You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
