nut hugger
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
