Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
