shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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