is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
