Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
