How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hippo gnu deer
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
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