Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Never let your siblings swipe right.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
