worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
