I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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