I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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