I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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