I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
