She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just googled if crying burns calories
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
