Swine flu is the new snow day.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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