I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
