shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
