I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
