i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize