I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize