WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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