do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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