are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
