I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
