see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
