No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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