Your mouth is God's brothel.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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