1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
