The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
