If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
