Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
