girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize