She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
