Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
