I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
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