FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
