dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
