mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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