My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
