Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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