you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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