I murdered the dance floor call the cops
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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