I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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