dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
