I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
