your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
