The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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