matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I intend to get homeless drunk
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
