Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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