he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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