I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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