Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
