i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize
