someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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