peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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