dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
