good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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