I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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