Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
