You just made me feel so damn special
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
