Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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