and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
