Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
