Me too!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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