i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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