You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
