my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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