I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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