I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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