Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
